MAIL-ORDER

I am a criminal of opportunity. Sometimes when stellar options present themselves they are just too good to pass up. I cannot remember how I fortuitously found myself looking at a stack of mail-in response cards with prepaid postage. Each of the 4x6 card stock was offering samples of products for the needy consumer. 100 companies were selling their specialized wares for church congregations.

I settled into filling in Krue’s name, address and phone number over the next hour and a half. Then I systematically dropped 2-3 of the postcards in campus mail each day over the next month or so.

A few weeks passed before Krue began to mention the notifications from the mailroom lady. His mailbox was intended for letters and the occasional folder. Nobody could have prepared for the onslaught of packages and boxes.

First came the choir robe samples - various sizes and colors; some with cuff sleeves, others with open sleeves; some with matte finish, others with shiny finish; robes for youth singers, others for senior vocalists; classic, traditional, festival and gospel robes; pleated or fluted. The options were endless and Krue began to accrue a modest collection of lyrically inspired gowns.

Next came the communion cups. Glass or plastic; recyclable or disposable; empty or prefilled with Concord grape juice and optional wafer, wafer options including white, gluten free or whole wheat in circles, squares or rectangles; .5 ounce, .75 ounce or 1.0 ounce choices. Then came the communion trays to transport those numerous cups - plastic, wood, brass or aluminum, skillfully embossed if a little flair was desired. Countless opportunities for a successful communion service.

Bibles - Various translations. Assorted languages. Paperback. Hardcover. Leatherbound. Notes in the margins Bibles. Denominational Bibles. Devotional Bibles. Demographically focused Bibles - Children’s Bibles, Teen Bibles, Young-adult Bibles, Bibles for women, Octogenarian Bibles. Thematic Bibles. Study Bibles. Phew! Who knew that God designed such a variety of Bibles?

Hymnals. Chalices. Candles - refillable oil, beeswax or paraffin wax blends. Incense. Pastoral stoles - reversible if desired. Crosses. Cruxifixes. Collection plates or Collection baskets - size varies. Banners. Tapestries. Seasonal and celebratory items including Baptism and Confirmation accessories, Paschal Adornments such as palm leaves and ashes, Nativity costumes, Anointing Oil or Holy Water.

I could not have predicted the scale of necessary accouterments to pull off the ritual of ecclesiastical worship. I was pretty smug as I pondered my efforts at pulling one over on Krue.

Hollee approached me with a stern kindness in her eyes. She informed me that her baby room was not large enough to include an ever growing religious shrine. I needed to stop. Immediately. I understood her firm request. Thankfully, the shipments and weekly sales calls began to subside because what had been set in motion had taken on a life of its own.

I learned, not for the last time, that practical jokes intended for friends might now include the inconvenience of their wives. I would need to make some adjustments.

Mail-order cards have gone the way of the wall-phone. But I can only imagine epic pranks still await the one who is open to the occasional spontaneous invitation, tapered, of course, with wisdom and some restraint.